A Pre Valentine Confession

Everyone more or less remembers their first love. How it started, how it felt and how it eventually broke your heart. You end up drinking until your world spins, you eat like there’s no tomorrow and you constantly repeat the phrase, “I can’t go on!” like a mantra from a really bad remake of the High School Musical. At the end of it all, you curl up in bed, stare at a photo and bawl your brains out.  Such is the aftermath of having your heart ripped out and shredded for the first time.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”

-Neil Gaiman

 

After a couple of weeks or months if you thoroughly enjoy wallowing in self-pity, you decide to dust yourself off and revisit the magical land we normal folk like to call the bathroom. After putting on a fresh pair of pants and a relatively new top, you plan the biggest bonfire ever!

You dig up the hidden boxes packed with sweet nothings (receipts from your first date, the little I love you post it notes), the love letters of yester years and the cheesy couple photos with you ALMOST but not quite kissing (because that would just be tacky.) You pile them up in a mound closely resembling an anthill and set everything on fire. Maybe, just maybe it’ll help you forget…  When all the love letters and trinkets have been burned and the rivers of tears have been re-shed, you’re left empty, damaged and alone… That is — until the next one comes along.

crying babs

 

They say that loving a second time is easier. Been there, done that sort of thing. Yes there are butterflies and yes your neck still approaches breaking point at the sight of a pretty face, but unlike the unabashed transparency of young love, the second time around pushes you to become more cautious. After being hurt the first time, you’d like to think you’ve become more learned and more mindful. You learn from your mistakes and you’d like to believe that it’ll be smooth sailing from here on in. Some find this tactic effective and they end up walking that long, flowery white aisle to their happily ever after. Others however aren’t as lucky. After building supposedly unbreakable walls around their hearts, they end up right back where they started… Empty, damaged and alone.

If I’m starting to sound like a love guru, then my mission is complete. Truth be told, the only romantic kind of love I’ve ever experienced is through the movies I’ve seen and the books I’ve read. I’m 24 years old and I’ve never been in love. I may sound like a painfully bitter spinster to some but quite frankly, I don’t give a damn. I love my life and everything and everyone that comes with it. It just so happens that that kind of love has yet to make an appearance. 🙂 It’ll happen when it happens. I’m in no rush. C’est la vie mes amis!

May this year bring you luck in life, happiness in love and fulfillment in everything that is beautiful! 😀

 

“Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.”

-Nicole Krauss

Haven't met you yet

Maybe not today… but SOMEDAY!

I’m 23 years old and I’ve never been in love. How’s that for a beginning statement to a Valentine’s Day post?! CatchyI’ll say. True? Most definitely. I thought I was in love at some point though. I got that similar feeling of butterflies, saw the heavens open, heard the choir of angels burst into song and created illusions of happily ever afters.  There was only one thing different; time passed and sadly, so did “love”. Again I was left alone and wanting.

I’m no hypocrite. To say that I’ve never looked with envy at happy couples sharing private jokes and stolen moments would be a lie. Sometimes I wish I had that. That feeling of longing magnifies tenfold on Valentine’s Day. Another year passed and another day of hearts spent twiddling my fingers and looking up at an empty sky (Coincidentally, Valentine’s this year was a tad rainy so the whole empty sky comment wasn’t me trying to sound all deep.)

I spoke with a friend a while back and he asked about the state of my heart. I looked at him and replied “It’s still in there. I haven’t given it away just yet.” He looked at me and said, “In all your 23 years, you’ve never once given a piece of it to anyone?” I figured the incredulous look on his face was a joke so I just said, “Nope. Not yet.” Feeling a bit uncomfortable with the conversation, I was hoping he’d let it go but as luck would have it, he had one last thing to say, “Well Honey, you better hurry. Love doesn’t put up posters on every block. If you miss your chance, it’s gone forever.” That made me think… Did I really miss my shot at love? Was I destined to wallow in self-pity, never to experience the joy of a heart thudding for someone else?! At that point, all I could think about was how I couldn’t become the old woman spilling out of a couch surrounded by 12 cats. I don’t even like cats…

I was feeling fairly disheartened and decided to jot it down, lest I forget about my depression. (Lord knows how terrible that would be… Hello sarcasm) I figured, at the very least, maybe I could make a good story out of it. By chance, I stumbled upon an entry I wrote a few years ago.

I think I’ve mentioned a while back that I’m a music student. I major in voice and sometimes I sing for special occasions like birthdays, weddings etc. The entry was about a birthday party that I was privileged enough to perform at. It was a lovely and intimate gathering with only the closest friends and family. There was a host, Annette, who saw to the perfection of the event. She handed me a song list and ordered me to stick by it. I went over the list, smiled at the band and began to sing.

About 3 songs before the end, Annette hobbled (Yes hobbled. She banged her shin on one of the corner tables) towards me and whispered, “Do you know the song TWO WORDS by Lea Salonga” to which I replied an ecstatic “Yes!” (Because I absolutely love the song) “When I give you the signal, start singing it okay.” This was apparently the part where the birthday boy took center stage and danced with his partner.

As I sang, I watched a relatively old couple sway to the melody of the music. It was the instrumental part of the song when, to my surprise (and apparently to the rest of the room as well,) the old man started speaking, his voice bouncing off the walls of the room. (He apparently had a wireless microphone taped somewhere) He said, and I quote, “I have been lucky enough to share the 1st half of my life with the woman who made me a man. Now, at 56, I am even more blessed to meet the woman who has turned me back into a lovesick boy.” He slowly gets down on one knee and says, “This boy would now like to ask you to spend the remaining years of his life with him. Will you marry me?”

The reactions were as expected. There was not a dry eye in that room. I had to turn to the band and ask them to loop back to the instrumental just so I could have a minute to compose myself. By the end of the song, everyone was cheering and clapping and clinking wine glasses. Annette introduced us (The band and I) to the happy couple. It turns out, the man was married once before but was a widower at the age of 41. The woman was a very close friend of the man’s wife and she said that falling in love with him was completely unexpected. As they retold their story, I could see how transparent their love was for each other. Not in the mushy kind of way though. In my opinion, that’s the best kind of love. You don’t have to flaunt it for other people to know it’s there. D

So, yeah… At 23, I’m still single but I’m enjoying what life has to offer. Do I want a special someone to share Valentine’s Day with? Of course I do. And I know someday… I’ll find the Shrek to my Fiona. 😀

So for now, I’m happy spending Valentine’s Day trying to surprise one of my bestest friends on her birthday. 🙂

LEE and JING

LESLEY

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m happy sharing a meal with my Mom and brother and splitting dessert at the end. 😀

MOM, ATS and MIGUEL

 

I’m glad I can act goofy and silly on Valentine’s Day. In the end, it’s really all about being happy with where you’re at in life. I may not have Prince Charming banging on my door just yet but, maybe he’s just waiting for the perfect time to sweep me off my feet. 🙂

 

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” 

– Carrie Bradshaw

 

Here’s to hoping you all had an amazing Valentine’s Day! Here’s to hoping every year will be better than the last! CHEERS! 😀