What If

Word

I have gone through so many what if’s in my life that I figured, “It was time for a change.” So when love came knocking, I barely put up a fight. It was new; it was exciting, it was something I couldn’t wait to dive into. I wasn’t sure I was ready but sometimes, fate plays a hand and you have no choice but to follow through. I was whisked away into an experience I wasn’t entirely certain I was ready for but, looking back, I have to admit… I couldn’t wait for the ride to begin!

I never thought I would love so quickly nor did I ever imagine finding myself falling down an unexpected rabbit hole so fast. It was a whirlwind romance.  I was clueless and apparently, so was he. I wasn’t his first but, from the way he acted, it felt like I was. He stared at me with a nervous grin, twiddling his thumbs when he couldn’t fully grasp what I was trying to say. To me, that made it all the more endearing and so, I fell even further.

“It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. ”

-Agatha Christie

 

My instincts kept telling me to get out while I still could. To save myself from the inevitable heartache this relationship would cause. Still, I was stubborn. I kept trying to steer our direction towards a happily ever after when in my heart of hearts, I knew this particular chapter of my story was meant to end in disaster.

amazingly stupid

When the dust cleared and the remnants of what once was lay broken and forgotten; I was left wrestling with more questions than answers. If there was any form of love in what we had, then why did I feel so empty? Why was I left wondering?

I guess that’s the thing about googly eyes, sweaty palms and promises of forever; if things work out, you’re left on cloud nine with butterflies in your tummy and a dopey smile permanently plastered on your face. If fate decides to drag you the other way, the floor disappears and back down the rabbit hole you go, once again faced with the question you’ve tried desperately to run away from… WHAT IF…

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war, love… is growing up.”

-James Baldwin

 

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FALLING In Love…

Every girl dreams of finding that one guy to spend her happily ever after with; the question is, how do you know who to give your heart to?

Being single for the past 24 years hasn’t given me A’s for experience BUT it has allowed me a glimpse into the life of star-crossed lovers, flings, love affairs and promises of forever. I don’t claim to be an expert but after so many years of watching people falling in and out of love, you’re bound to pick up a couple of things.

life

Ladies, be kind to your heart…

Fall for the guy who keeps you up at night. Who makes you smile when you think about him and makes you that much more excited to see him again.

Love the guy who tells you you’re beautiful every chance he gets. Who tells you your gorgeous even though you’re only wearing a pair of jeans and a regular shirt because you feel bloated and fat.

Pick the guy who’s affectionate but understands when you need your space. The guy who’s confident enough to leave you alone for a while because he knows that at the end of the day, you will always come back to him.

Fall in love with the guy who puts up with your unreasonable mood swings during “that time of the month” not because he gets it but because he loves you enough to let the little things slide.

Be head over heels for the guy who loves kids. You can never go wrong with a man who’s willing to pretend to be prince charming just to impress a 5 year old little girl.

prinvxdg

Choose the guy who isn’t afraid to be wrong. That guy who knows he’s not perfect and doesn’t try to justify his mistakes just to save face.

Find the guy who makes you laugh. The guy who thinks you’re cute when you accidentally release a snort and doesn’t care if your hysterical giggles echo throughout the restaurant.

Find the guy who can put up with your quirks. The guy who can’t completely grasp your unreasonable love for Broadway musicals but will bob his head and sing along to your show tunes in the car because he’s gotten so used to hearing them. 🙂

Look for the guy who can put up with all your weird habits. The guy who doesn’t get how you can top rice off with coffee but will try it anyway because it’s something you love.

Fall in love with the guy who can think for himself. The guy who won’t make his world revolve around you but instead, will find a way to make your two worlds intertwine.

Fall for the guy you’re most comfortable with. The guy who isn’t bothered when you both just sit in a coffee shop and read books together like an old married couple.

UP

Pick the guy who’s loved you for the longest time. The guy who waited because he knew you weren’t ready to hear what he had to say but has always been there for you every painful step of the way.

Fall in love the guy who accepts your imperfections. The guy who can see through all your crazy mishaps but loves you anyway.

Finally, love the guy who can live without you but chooses not to. The man who’s grown so accustomed to loving you that he can’t imagine not doing it for the rest of his life.

LOVE

“I am someone who is  looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”

~ Carrie Bradshaw

May we all be so lucky to find that one person we can share forever with. 🙂 Have fun falling in love mon chéri!

A Pre Valentine Confession

Everyone more or less remembers their first love. How it started, how it felt and how it eventually broke your heart. You end up drinking until your world spins, you eat like there’s no tomorrow and you constantly repeat the phrase, “I can’t go on!” like a mantra from a really bad remake of the High School Musical. At the end of it all, you curl up in bed, stare at a photo and bawl your brains out.  Such is the aftermath of having your heart ripped out and shredded for the first time.

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”

-Neil Gaiman

 

After a couple of weeks or months if you thoroughly enjoy wallowing in self-pity, you decide to dust yourself off and revisit the magical land we normal folk like to call the bathroom. After putting on a fresh pair of pants and a relatively new top, you plan the biggest bonfire ever!

You dig up the hidden boxes packed with sweet nothings (receipts from your first date, the little I love you post it notes), the love letters of yester years and the cheesy couple photos with you ALMOST but not quite kissing (because that would just be tacky.) You pile them up in a mound closely resembling an anthill and set everything on fire. Maybe, just maybe it’ll help you forget…  When all the love letters and trinkets have been burned and the rivers of tears have been re-shed, you’re left empty, damaged and alone… That is — until the next one comes along.

crying babs

 

They say that loving a second time is easier. Been there, done that sort of thing. Yes there are butterflies and yes your neck still approaches breaking point at the sight of a pretty face, but unlike the unabashed transparency of young love, the second time around pushes you to become more cautious. After being hurt the first time, you’d like to think you’ve become more learned and more mindful. You learn from your mistakes and you’d like to believe that it’ll be smooth sailing from here on in. Some find this tactic effective and they end up walking that long, flowery white aisle to their happily ever after. Others however aren’t as lucky. After building supposedly unbreakable walls around their hearts, they end up right back where they started… Empty, damaged and alone.

If I’m starting to sound like a love guru, then my mission is complete. Truth be told, the only romantic kind of love I’ve ever experienced is through the movies I’ve seen and the books I’ve read. I’m 24 years old and I’ve never been in love. I may sound like a painfully bitter spinster to some but quite frankly, I don’t give a damn. I love my life and everything and everyone that comes with it. It just so happens that that kind of love has yet to make an appearance. 🙂 It’ll happen when it happens. I’m in no rush. C’est la vie mes amis!

May this year bring you luck in life, happiness in love and fulfillment in everything that is beautiful! 😀

 

“Once upon a time there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.”

-Nicole Krauss

Haven't met you yet

2012 Year Ender

This year is literally about to end in a couple of hours and I just have to say how incredibly blessed 2012 has been. Here’s why…

This was the year I learned to let go of old dreams to make room for new ones.  When you’ve built something up for so long, it becomes that much harder to leave it all behind. 2012 has taught me that changing paths doesn’t necessarily mean changing who you are. Yes, your goals may have been altered but at the end of the day, you’re still you… And that’s the important thing. 🙂

2012 was the year I truly became brave. I stepped out of my comfort zone and it scared the bejeezus out of me. I started out lost but I knew I had to suck it up or else I’d never be able to get from point A to point B. Again I had to let go of certain things and certain people. It was painful but I became a better person.

2012 was the start of a new chapter in my life. I opened myself up to a whole new world. A world so foreign and different that I almost decided to turn back. But then realized… I already knew what I was going back to. Would I be willing to return to what was comfortable but stagnant or would I venture out and see what else was out there? In the end, I chose the latter and till today, I have never looked back.

I was blessed to have so many amazing people surrounding me. Opening a new chapter meant welcoming new characters  into the fold. Some I was quick to disregard and others were just as quick to latch on. I met a bunch of quirky people who have stretched my heart even wider.This year has been a year of fresh faces and newly built friendships. I am grateful every single day for all of the people who have touched my life in various ways. 😀

This was also the year I let go of regret. There were so many things I wish I did. So many roads I wish I had taken. But wallowing in regret doesn’t bring anything back. It just takes more time away from getting started on something new. This year, I learned to look forward to tomorrow instead of looking back on yesterday. When the day is done, and the sun has set, everything that has happened quickly becomes a memory. There’s no chance of ever going back BUT… there’s always a chance of turning things around when the sun rises the next day.

I’ve always been more of a laid back person. If there was an easy way out, more often than not, I’d take it. This year, I decided to face all the challenges that came my way. Knowing you’re imperfect is one thing. Cashing in all your imperfection chips is another. We’re human, we make mistakes but still… We strive for perfection. This year allowed me to shove mediocrity in the back of the closet along with shame and fear. 2012 was the year I decided to CARPE every freakin DIEM! 😀

Along with my new found love of challenges, I dared to hope. 2012 was the year I sat myself down, reflected on my life, trashed the wistful remnants of the past and created a whole new list of goals, wants and dreams. 🙂 I wouldn’t call myself an optimist but this year, hope seeped from every inch of me. It was hope that kept me going and faith in the big guy that kept me strong. Paths changed, people changed but the big guy up there never did. He’s always had my back and 2012 was no different. 🙂

This year gave me a chance to work on myself. It was the year of revelations, a year of unearthing hidden passions and rediscovering forgotten aspirations, a year of forgiveness and a year of gratitude. 😀

2012 was the year I decided to step up and not go about my life merely existing. It was the year for change, the year for hope and… Though it may sound cliché, the year for LOVE. Love that encompasses every crevice, every nook and cranny of your being until your full to the brim. It was the year my eyes didn’t just see the what if’s and maybe’s but also all the beautiful and exciting things that go hand in hand with all the questions and anxieties of the unknown.

 

goodbye 2012

Here’s to leaving the past behind in place of an even better tomorrow. Happy New Year everyone. I hope and pray with all my heart that 2013 allows you to break walls, dream big and soar higher than the sky. 😀

we are

This could not have come at a better time. Truly inspirational in every sense of the word! 🙂 This is for all of the people who’ve lost their way and need a little pick me up. Nothing is impossible!

 

“If you can dream it, you can achieve it!”

-Walt Disney

Strange Fruit

If you need some inspiration, watch this. To never give up, is a hard lesson to learn.

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One Step At A Time…

We all have dreams. I don’t think we’d be able to go about our daily routines without them. Personally, I have about 10  different scenes constantly playing and re-arranging themselves in my head. There’s one where I’m a lawyer, one where I’m a surgeon (but I’m terrified of blood), there’s a scene wherein I’m a teacher (because I absolutely LOVE kids), one where I live and work in Disneyland (because let’s face it, who wouldn’t want to work in the happiest place on earth) AND… there’s even a moment when I see myself as an astronaut (zero gravity, space suit and all)

The world is filled with options. The question is… Which one is right? Which one reveals the real you?

I’ve gone around the block of panning out my future more often than most people. Some are lucky enough to have everything fall into place at the exact moment they need it to. I on the other hand, have had so many roads branching out into so many different side streets that it’s become a little difficult to figure out where it is I’m really suppose to be. As I get older, I become more knowledgeable. Not so much in an academic sort of way but more of actually knowing that when I screw something up, I should take every measure to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I guess in a way, I’m lucky to have been given a chance to get so many do-overs. Not everybody gets a 2nd chance to right a wrong.

“Mistakes are a part of life. They are a part of who we are and as such should not be thrown away or put aside just because they’re not as pretty as the other stuff”

-CVLS

 

At present, I am trudging through life looking for that place where I truly belong. I’ve always had an idea of where I wanted to end up; I just need a little more drive to actually get there. 🙂 Here enters my secret dream. One which I’m not fully inclined to divulge just yet but, give me a couple more days to think it out and I’ll tell you. 😀 This is a dream I can’t seem to shake no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I find myself thinking… maybe I can’t shake it off because it’s the path I’m really suppose to take… but then again… WHO KNOWS??!!

Now, we shall just have to wait and see where life will lead a vagabond like me. C’est la vie mes amis!!! 😀

It’s the Little Things

As a kid, I distinctly remember saying that I couldn’t wait to grow up (I said it more than once actually). I saw all of these amazing things around me and I met so many fascinating people along the way that I thought this world held nothing but wonders. I looked at life from a different perspective back then. I can even say that, as a child, I looked at the world through rose-tinted glasses. All I saw were the beautiful things this world had to offer me. There was only that, and nothing else. I remember thinking, “One day, I’ll end up doing everything and so much more.”

At 23, I find myself gazing back at the little girl who thought she held the world in the palm of her hand. I still get amazed at the things that catch my fancy and I still meet so many riveting and beautiful people every day. The only difference is my perspectives have changed. I have changed.

We may not want to see it for what it is but in the back of our minds, the thought is there. Life is never easy and it doesn’t always play fair.

There are a million things to appreciate but there are an equal number of things that leave your heart broken into several little pieces.

The glasses are off and reality rears its ugly head.

 

Yes there are happy people, but there are also those that literally live their lives one day at a time. There are kids who play with mountains of toys, but there are also kids who are forced to wander the streets begging for food. There are people who jet set all over the world yet, there are those who are content to live their lives cooped up within the 4 walls of their home, not realizing how ginormous this world truly is. Then there are the little girls who dream of conquering the world and holding it in her hands. They dream of controlling time and moulding life into a Utopia that’s been built on fantastical stories of happily ever afters. Somehow, they grow up and realize that princesses are for stories and worlds could never fit into teeny tiny hands. With this in mind you can’t help but think, “If there are so many things wrong with this world, what is there to live for?”

 

 

I always pass by Recto on my way to the train station. For those of you who don’t know where that is, it’s a fairly rough neighbourhood in Manila, Philippines. It has a reputation for housing some of the most badass people in the country who mug you blind if you’re not careful.

As I was walking, I came across two street urchins running up the sidewalk and pointing at the train that was passing above them. One of the little boys stared in awe and said, “One day, I’ll be able to ride that train too” the other little boy looked at him and said, “One day, I’ll make a bigger train that can take us to the moon.” As the train disappeared from their sight, they smiled, picked up 2 discarded sticks from the ground, and ran along the side of the street without a care in the world. I went home that day with renewed spirits and a brighter outlook on life.

Here’s the thing. Kids may be little but their hearts are always so full, their words almost always hold true, and their minds are constantly conjuring up dreams of a better and more exciting future.  If those two street kids, who may or may not have 20 pesos  to their name, dream about one day claiming the world as theirs, who’s to say their dreams won’t come true? That’s the problem with the real world, a lot of the time, when things don’t turn out the way we plan them to, we sulk in a corner and give up.

If you want to be happy, you have to remember that you can’t be good at something if you don’t work at it. It’s a basic lesson but it’s always shoved aside for the more highfaluting morals that are basically just a more flowery version of the original.

Another thing I’ve learned is that you have to want to excel. If you refuse to rise above and beyond what you think you’re capable of, you’ll forever be mediocre. I know a lady who used to work as a household helper. 10 years later, she’s opened her own restaurant and owns a franchise of a popular Filipino fast food joint.

 

To answer the question, what is worth living for? My answer would be LIFE!

Amidst all the chaos and “horrors”, there is still hope and a chance to turn dreams into reality. Sure there are bad stuff, but there are also instances when your heart is on the verge of exploding from so much joy and love.

 

“Such is the way of the world. Balance is in the greater scheme of things.”

 

One thing is certain, years pass and we all grow but that doesn’t mean that we have to completely let go of the kid in us. We can still dream for a better tomorrow and leap towards a brighter future. All it takes is hard work, faith, trust and a little fairy dust. 😀