Changing the Cards…

I was reading all sorts of blog posts earlier today and I realized just how angry my last entry was. Do I regret it? No. I’m glad I was able to find an outlet for some of my angst. Truth be told, there’s still quite a bit left but I’ve decided to save that thought for another rainy day.

After all the fuming that occurred yesterday (and when I say fuming, I mean livid almost to a fault), I have decided to temporarily let go of my anger (I know myself all too well. In this situation, temporary is as good as it’s gonna get) and find something more productive or at the very least, a more pleasant use of my time and wordpress account.

I wrote this poem 8 years ago. I have to reiterate the fact that the poetry I write isn’t always based on MY life. I composed this particular one after a fairly long and bothersome conversation with an old friend. She was unusually depressed at the time so I thought it would be helpful if I pulled her aside and had a little chat. That “little chat”, however, ended up being 3 hours long. She basically talked about her life and how things weren’t working out for her. She talked about running away and about how “her parents were ruining her life”. Toss in the boy problems and the fact that she may or may not have been pregnant and you have a recipe for disaster. She ended our 3 hour long conversation with a request. She asked me to write a poem expressing her thoughts “more artistically” (Personally, I thought she just wanted it to sound more dramatic)

MUDDLED and DEJECTED

I am shattered, I am weak

My mind is blank and I can’t speak

My dreams have flown away with time

They belong to someone else and are no longer mine

The leaves have fallen, the flowers have withered

Memories of love that have yet to be triggered

Searching for solace in empty spaces

Trapped by a façade of friendly faces

So many dark paths, I don’t know which is right

I quiver at the thought of never seeing the light

The wind it blows beneath my feet

I stay awake as the whole world sleeps

I search your eyes for a reason to stay

Actions provide answers to the words you can’t convey

I cannot see my future; I no longer have a plan

This life has ended before it even began

Pain has been my only friend

This life has been a game of pretend

It’s taken everything from me

All because people refuse to see


UPDATE: I happen to know for a fact that she printed this poem out, laminated it and posted it on her bedroom wall. 8 years later, she’s engaged to be married and lives in New Hampshire with her soon to be husband Nick. She still has her laminated poem in one of her boxes. It has become a testimony to the person she once was and how she moved past it all to become the person she is now. Kudos! 😀

“We all have big changes in our lives that are more or less a second chance.”          – Harrison Ford

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Guilty Pleasures

Everyone has guilty pleasures. Some people are hooked on afternoon soap operas, others love pickles with ice cream (trust me, I have a friend who just LOVES the stuff) and still others read those cheesy romance pocketbooks that have half naked couples plastered on the front cover and are 60-80 pages long (again a friend of mine swears by them) Regardless, everyone has a “deep dark secret” they would rather keep hidden from the world. Not because they don’t enjoy it. Given the chance, they’d probably waste the day away indulging themselves. They hide it because they’re embarrassed. (Not exactly mortified but embarrassed nonetheless)

There will always be people who won’t agree with your tastes. Some might think you’re boring and others might just label you as weird. As much as I would like to think I can do no wrong when it comes to the books I read and the shows I watch, I have to say that I too have guilty pleasures. I have labelled them as such because, as much as I love them and know that a lot of other people (mostly women) are enamoured by them, my friends aren’t as crazy about them as I am. In fact, most (if not all) aren’t even interested. My guilty pleasures are Vampire stories. I was hooked on the Twilight series for the longest time. I kept reading and re-reading the books until I felt like my eyes were going to pop out of their sockets. (I’ve outgrown them though. I only read them once a month now. 🙂 ) I’m gaga about the House of Night series and I was crazy about the Vampire Academy books as well. (Crap! I’m getting geekier and geekier by the second.) I also admit to being hopelessly in love with Damon Salvatore from the Vampire Diaries and I did follow the 1st season of True Blood. Basically, I have become your typical bandwagon fanatic.

Being true to my fanatic title… I have made a poem (YES a poem!) It’s in the supposed perspective of Damon from Vamp Diaries (again I reiterate my hopeless devotion to a fictional character.) To those who don’t watch the Vamp Diaries and haven’t figured it out yet, Damon is a vampire.

So to all the haters, hate away. I couldn’t care less. To all my fellow crusaders (it sounded more regal 🙂 ), may you find some sort of enjoyment from this entry. And to my family, who will inevitably be reading this post, please don’t disown me. 😀

TIMELESS

Running late, I’m out of time
The joys of childhood forever sublime
Hundreds of moons sink and rise to the sky
The truth I can no longer deny

You see it in my eyes, the stories of old
The legend of ages too impossible to behold
Yet seeing is not always to believe
For the eyes are just as easily deceived

A touch will not completely suffice
For everything, one must pay a certain price
I live my life forever alone
A heart that once beat, now turns to stone

I keep the beast locked deep inside
Reality and fiction border on the great divide
Buried under thousands of years
Only able to weep crystal tears

I cannot give in to the thirst I feel
What I am shouldn’t even be real
A thousand more lives as a monster in the night
My fate is sealed… I no longer wish to fight.

Taking it all in…

Two years ago, one rainy afternoon (and I swear, I am not making this up) I was struck by the need to write poetry. Usually I dive into creating poems that talk about heartache and love. Needless to say, writing under this genre was (and still is) the easiest for me. Probably because I’ve never actually been in love, I base my poetry solely on the stuff I read about in books or on the sob stories my friends tell me over a cup of coffee or sometimes a bottle of beer (or two) Trust me, when you have zero experience, it takes some of the edge off. There’s no pressure. That day however, I felt like I needed to write something different. Instead of writing one entire poem, I decided to dabble on writing several 1 stanza poems.

Earlier that week, I watched a documentary on high school kids. It was a tell-tale on the problems that each student had to face every day in school. There was so much drama; drama that teenagers shouldn’t have to deal with.  They interviewed various teens from different cliques and were able to unearth a lot of hidden emotions. I guess no matter who you are or where you come from, at the end of the day, you end up facing the same emotional demons. I started writing, editing, erasing, trashing and writing again. Basically, I played one-on-one basketball with my trash bin until I felt like I did justice to the story. 2 days later, I came up with 7 single stanza poems. My hope is that one day, by some miracle, one of the kids from the documentary will come across these poems and realize that somewhere in the world, somebody still listens to what they have to say.

I gaze from the side, wanting to belong
Various images flood my frazzled mind
Inside I know I have to be strong
One day the world will no longer be blind.
-The Outcast-

I grin with an absentminded smile
Wishing I could be anywhere but here
Tired of living a life of denial
Aching for some semblance of something real
-The Popular One-

I see you happy with someone else
Something in me shatters like glass
Knowing that will never be me
What we had now belongs in the past
-The Heartbroken-

I cannot love, I cannot be free
Judging eyes watch my every move
I don’t know who I’m allowed to be
So much to learn, so much to prove
-The Homosexual-

Rivers that reflect the allure of the moon
Earth, air, fire and water combined
Flowers come alive to the music of June
A kaleidoscope world that exists in my mind
-The Dreamer-

I create new worlds with paper and ink
Stories straight from remnants of a dream
Fantastic adventures come alive
Everything’s surreal, nothing is as it seems
-The Writer-

Endless corridors of empty spaces
Shadows bounce against the light
Images from different times and places
Consumed by darkness I can no longer fight
-The Addict-

You will always be a part of me…

Losing someone you love may just be the most painful experience you will ever have to go through. In some way, it feels like you’re losing part of yourself. Yes, time fades and wounds close, but forever may pass you by yet those wounds may never fully heal. There will always be a scar. A nostalgic, special memory eternally locked away somewhere in the center of your heart.

My great-grandfather passed away 6 years ago. He was the most incredible man in the world. His heart was so full of love despite his having to go through harsh times in his early years. His devotion to the people dearest to his heart was staggering. It was amazing to see how one man, so capable of conquering the world, was happy and content to watch his friends and family take the limelight. He was so respected and was put on such a high pedestal that he seemed quite impossible to reach. As time passed, I saw him remove each and every block so that he would never have to be superior to anyone else. He saw everyone as his equal, everyone was his friend. It’s funny… you would think that because there were so many of us, one was bound to feel less important than the other. I still don’t know how he did it but, his love was so immense, so absolute, that it was able to embrace all of us. I remember him telling me at one point that the world had to share half of his heart because the other half had already been given away a long time ago. My great-grandmother was his world. In his eyes reflected the love he was never afraid to show. I asked him once how their love story started, he looked at me and simply said, “I was a lost man, but she changed me. She was my salvation” (Coincidentally, my great-grandmother’s name was Salvacion)

I wrote this poem approximately 4 months after he died. I admit it was a hard blow. 6 years later, I still feel like I’m missing a piece of me. That’s the thing about real love, once you give it away, you can replace it, but it will never be the same.  Tears still slip from my eyes when I think of him. I have learned to accept the things that I cannot change. I have let go but I will never ever forget…

IN MEMORY OF YOU

When I was a kid I would stare up at you
And marvel at the things that you could do
You took me in your arms and stood proud and tall
You were the superhero of one so small

You tucked me in when I went to bed
Sweet dreams little girl was all you said
I’d smile at you as you kissed me good night
A lingering promise of another morning light

Though I grew older, a child you’d still see
Your little baby princess would still be me
With you I could act silly and never pretend
For me the laws of gravity I know you will bend

When I had a problem I’d always run to you
A few witty quotes and I’d no longer be blue
You’d smile and tell me there’s always a reason why
You’d wipe away my tears and tell me not to cry

You were my true best friend you see
With you I knew I could always be me
You knew me well both inside and out
With you I’d find comfort and lose all doubt

That’s why goodbye was so hard to say
I still ask myself why God took you away
I miss you more each passing day
In my heart your memory will stay

I love you and you know it’s true
You’re gone now and there’s nothing I can do

YOU SAID:

“Be still sad heart and cease your pining
Behind the clouds, the sun is still shining!”

Thank you for everything and so much more
When I think of you it makes my heart soar
You will always be a part of me
The sweetest note in my life’s melody…