What If

Word

I have gone through so many what if’s in my life that I figured, “It was time for a change.” So when love came knocking, I barely put up a fight. It was new; it was exciting, it was something I couldn’t wait to dive into. I wasn’t sure I was ready but sometimes, fate plays a hand and you have no choice but to follow through. I was whisked away into an experience I wasn’t entirely certain I was ready for but, looking back, I have to admit… I couldn’t wait for the ride to begin!

I never thought I would love so quickly nor did I ever imagine finding myself falling down an unexpected rabbit hole so fast. It was a whirlwind romance.  I was clueless and apparently, so was he. I wasn’t his first but, from the way he acted, it felt like I was. He stared at me with a nervous grin, twiddling his thumbs when he couldn’t fully grasp what I was trying to say. To me, that made it all the more endearing and so, I fell even further.

“It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. ”

-Agatha Christie

 

My instincts kept telling me to get out while I still could. To save myself from the inevitable heartache this relationship would cause. Still, I was stubborn. I kept trying to steer our direction towards a happily ever after when in my heart of hearts, I knew this particular chapter of my story was meant to end in disaster.

amazingly stupid

When the dust cleared and the remnants of what once was lay broken and forgotten; I was left wrestling with more questions than answers. If there was any form of love in what we had, then why did I feel so empty? Why was I left wondering?

I guess that’s the thing about googly eyes, sweaty palms and promises of forever; if things work out, you’re left on cloud nine with butterflies in your tummy and a dopey smile permanently plastered on your face. If fate decides to drag you the other way, the floor disappears and back down the rabbit hole you go, once again faced with the question you’ve tried desperately to run away from… WHAT IF…

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war, love… is growing up.”

-James Baldwin

 

It’s OK to Crash and Burn But Don’t Stop Living

Dear Shay,

This entry is for you and your broken heart.

You’ve been with him 2 years and 15 days. That’s 745 days of your life you will never get back. I’m not saying you should regret it though. I’m just stating a fact.

I refuse to say “I told you so.” Aside from the fact that I don’t see the point of rubbing your mistake in your face, I’m pretty sure your other friends have already overused that statement so I won’t even bother.

I’d like to say I understand but sadly, I don’t. As much as I would like to spare your feelings, I don’t want to sugar coat any detail or any thought. Instead of adding another lie to that mound that’s already starting to pile up, I’ve decided to lay it all out there and be completely honest with you. It’ll be a refreshing change after all the other stuff you’ve had to go through.

Those fiercely loyal to you have probably already told you what a horrible person HE was and how HE never deserved your love. First thing you have to remember is, love changes you. Before you go flying off the handle, allow me to explain. Love is a beautiful thing, it takes a hold of your senses until there’s nothing left but that feeling that rises and falls with each memory that you build together. Love is beautiful BUT it can turn ugly at any second without warning. You don’t mean for it to happen, it just does.

 

HE was a good guy Shay. The first time I met him, you said what you loved most about him was his goodness and the way he made you feel. Once upon a time, you saw him as your Prince Charming come to life. Now, he’s nothing more than a nightmare that haunts your every step. Still, there was a time when you loved him.

I know for a fact that a friend of yours said that HE never loved you. I know this because I was there when those words were said and I have to say, that statement couldn’t be farther from the truth. HE loved you Shay. HE must have loved you. At the end of your relationship, when you thought you were the only one fighting, he was fighting off his own demons to get back to you. I guess in some bizarre way, he loved you the only way he knew how to at the time. I know this because while I was holding your hand, I was also holding his from a distance. You were never fighting alone. The only problem was that you were fighting two separate battles. It was when he won his that you decided to surrender to your own demons.

I don’t blame you. So much has happened and so many people have made it their life’s mission to be your sentinel that it was hard to see past all of that. You told me that allowing yourself to wallow in that pool of sympathy that people have made for you was your own way of coping. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again,

“Breaking your heart doesn’t mean you have to stop living your life.”

 

It’s hard to start peeling all the other layers of your relationship to find that one small, vital piece. You both were so busy trying to be perfect lovers that you forgot how to be friends. I’m not an expert and I’ve had ZERO experience so don’t take my word for it. I’m just calling it like I see it. The rest of the world saw it, I’m just not sure the two of you saw it too.

Truth is Shay; nobody’s immune to the power of love. Love is unpredictable and it works in the craziest ways. You mope and whine over 2 years and 15 days. My parents were married 16 years before they decided to call it quits.  That’s a lifetime compared to 745 days. I’m not saying it’s any less important but it is a hell of a lot longer. I asked my Mom about it and I believe Shakespeare couldn’t have said it any better. She said:

“Love is a give and take relationship. The problem is, you can’t give something you don’t have. How can you give all of you when you’re not even whole to begin with?”

-M. Lerias

 

This entry right here is my ultimatum. Either you sit down and work things out OR you find closure and separate as two full-grown, free thinking adults. I hate to be the one to break it to you but you’re driving your friends crazy (myself included.) It’s been almost 3 months and no matter how hard we try to help, we can only do so much. At the end of the day, you’re going to have to face the hard hitting questions and make the toughest decisions on your own. We can all see that HE’s starting to mend, why can’t you?

 

You have to start living again Shay. Life is a wonderful thing and you’re letting so many opportunities pass you by. Lingering won’t do you any good so why do it?! You have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and allow that beautiful you to shine through 🙂