A Million Times NO! (Day 6)

I know it seems like I missed Day 5. I was supposed to write about something I hope to do in my life. Now before you get all judge-y on me, let me just say that those entries (yep, I got more than one) have already been posted way before I even found out about this blog project. You can choose from the following posts. Part 1 of Travel, Part 2 of Travel (if I haven’t made my intentions clear yet… I would really love to TRAVEL) and something about Jaws (I promise it’s more interesting than it sounds)

With that, I’ve decided to jump right into Day 6 of the Blog Project.

Day 6 is about something you hope never to do. Before I get into that though, I just wanted to say how incredible it is to be given the chance to immerse myself in all the beauty this world has to offer. The best part though, is being able to share each day with the people that mean the most to you. Every single day is a blessing that should never be taken for granted.

This statement leads me to answer the 6th question on the list. In my life… Even though it may sound selfish… I hope I never have to say goodbye to anyone I love.

I am seriously bad at saying goodbyes. A perfect example would be having to say goodbye to my cousin/aunt, Jill (it’s a long story. I shall explain it in another post) every time she has to go back home to the US. It’s always the same story (give or take.) She comes to visit, we pick up where we left off and have the most amazing time and a few days later, I’m helping her pack her bags. It’s sad but, it has to be done.

Now before you start thinking about how much of a weirdo I am (because I know it’s running through some people’s minds right now,) I’d like to stress that I am not that intense about goodbyes. Yeah I cry and wave at airports (tell me that’s not a cliché) and I cried when Harry Potter ended (I just had to squeeze that in there) but I can promise that tears will not be shed every time my Mom has to head to the office or my grandmother has to go to the grocery. I’m sooo not that shallow (sorry to disappoint)

The goodbyes I’m talking about are more of a permanent nature.

 

If you haven’t figured out what I mean yet, then you lead a very sad life indeed. The “permanent goodbyes” are the ones that can’t be changed and can’t be taken back. (this would be the perfect time to have a light bulb click somewhere in the back of your mind) 🙂

The thing is, you never have control over when that day will come (I refuse to say death so we’ll just call it Mort) One day you could be sipping coffee with that person and the next, you’re wearing black and bawling your eyes out because Mort decides to pay your little circle of love a visit.

Speaking from personal experience, losing someone to Mort definitely tips the pain scale at an alarming rate. The lucky ones slowly recover from it but, there are those that spend the rest of their lives feeling empty inside.

 

Among all the possible fears I will have to face, losing someone I love definitely tops the list of things I hope I never have to do. Granted, I have done it before (and those moments probably belong to the top half of my worst life experiences list) and know it’s inevitable but, having to go through life with that taunting your every moves really makes you think twice about open your heart to someone.

Just thinking about Mort scares the bejeezus out of me but then again, going through that is The Circle of Life. As they say, “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”

Every waking moment is a blessing. Treasure it! 😀

 

May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back.  May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields.  And until we meet again, may God hold you in the hollow of his hand.

– An Irish Blessing

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I’m okay now. You should be too. (Day 4)

My mind still refuses to shut down so, instead of postponing the entry for Day 4 (which was my original plan,) I’ve decided to delay my before bedtime shower program (appropriately label as such because I sing and dance in the shower,) plop down on the wooden stool in front of the laptop (which isn’t very comfortable mind you) and think up a couple of witty (fingers crossed) remarks for this particular entry. 🙂

After forgiving myself for all my shortcomings, I now have to turn towards forgiving other people for all the “pain” they’ve caused me (on purpose or otherwise.)

I’m generally a forgiving person but I must admit, I never really forget. That can probably be considered a fault to some extent because there are times when I tend to bring back those aching feelings of hurt and betrayal. I don’t really act on it but sometimes the feelings do resurface. I know it’s wrong but sometimes you just can’t suppress them.

 

This post seems like the perfect opportunity to lighten the load. There are still some things I know I won’t be able to let go of (or refuse to let go of. I have yet to decide) but there are some that have reached their limit and should be sent back to the past where they belong.

NOTE: No names shall be mentioned because:

  1. I’d rather not piss people off.
  2. It’ll dig up memories that have already been buried.
  3. I have absolutely no desire to make new frenemies.

Having said that, I shall now start my list. Just so we’re clear, I’ve also decided to make this entry my VERY LAST rant. By the time I type those last few words, all will be completely forgiven. I PROMISE!!!

 

  • I forgive the people who’ve squeezed an apology out of me even though I didn’t really do anything wrong.
  • I forgive those who’ve told me half truths and full lies. (Some to my face, others behind my back)
  • I forgive the people who look down on me and think that I’m not good enough to breathe the same air they do. (Sorry to have to be the one to tell you but, unless you move to Jupiter or some other planet, breathing the same air is unavoidable.)
  • I forgive the person who suddenly decided to give up on me and as a result, caused me so much self-doubt. (Yes Queen of the Night, I’m talking about YOU!)
  • I forgive the people who have forgotten that friendship isn’t just a one-sided thing.
  • I forgive the people who were so quick to judge me even if they had yet to actually meet me and get to know me.

And Lastly…

  • I forgive the people who have decided to listen and believe stupid rumors instead of actually finding out the truth.

 

Now I know what some of you must be thinking… Is she even serious about the whole forgiving thing?! The answer would be YES. I promised I’d let it go and I have. 🙂

 

 

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

– Sara Paddison

 

With that I bid you adieu and goodnight! CHEERS!!! 😀

It’s okay ME. We’ll, work it out! (Day 3)

I’ve pretty much mastered the art of apologies. In my 23 years, I’ve probably apologized for something at least once every day.

Now before I go on, I’d just like to make it perfectly clear that I’m not some psycho out to get everyone. I apologize for the little things too like accidentally whacking someone on the head or stepping on someone’s foot in a crowded train. Regardless of the “crime”, the “I’m so sorry” speech should still accompany the awkward glance, embarrassed face and half-smile. It’s just how the whole combo thing works. 🙂

Having said that, I look back and realize that the list goes on forever. That makes one hell of an inventory for apologies.Just think… If all goes well, I’ve still got so many more years left. (And yes, that is a good thing. 😀 ) 

“I’m sorry” is something most people say but, I have come to realize that I have yet to say those words to myself. I kinda figured, “If I screw up, I’m the only person who gets hurt. No harm, no foul.” After thinking it through though, I’ve come to understand something.

If you can apologize to all the other people that you will most likely never see again, how can you live your life, knowing that you’ve put yourself down because you’ve made some mistakes along the way.

 

With this in mind, I have decided to forgive myself for the things I can no longer change.

  • I forgive myself for lost opportunities.

There are loads of things I wish I pursued when I was younger. So many chances I let slip by and so many dreams that have gone the opposite direction from where I was headed. I’ve decided to let those things go. It does ZERO good to dwell in the past. Moving forward is really the only way to go. 🙂

  • I forgive myself for not thinking things through and planning ahead.

Again I am forced to stress my age. I am 23 and I’ve only just started trying to remedy the things I’ve screwed up. Taking a leap of faith isn’t bad but it does become tiresome when the leaps turn out to be leaps off a cliff. I’ve come to realize that thinking things through might not be such a bad thing after all.

  • I forgive myself for moments when I gave up too easy and settled.

I’m not the most diligent of people. That’s probably why I feel like I’ve missed out on some things like ballet and sports and stuff. I’m good with the talk. It’s the actual doing part that topples me over. There were times in the past when I settled for OKAY instead of WOW. Looking back, I know I could have done things a lot better. Which is why I’ve made a resolution to actually stick to something that I love (like writing) and work my ass off at it.

 

 

Today is a time for change. It’s time to let go of the past and work towards building a better future (I assure you, that statement did not sound like a campaign slogan in my head.) There’s so much to look forward to and refusing to let go will only hold me back from reaching my goals and achieving my dreams.

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.”

– Lewis B. Smedes

A pat on the back… (Day 2)

After plastering my faults in my previous post, I was pretty psyched to write this entry for Day 2.  If you don’t understand what I mean by “Day 2”, please check out my previous post HERE.

After digging my own grave (so to speak,) I shall now try to tweak my ego up a bit by sharing a few things I can actually do right. 🙂 This is to show you all that I’m not such a bad person and that I am not totally insecure about myself. 😀

 

  • I love how I am able to laugh at myself when I make a goofy mistake.
  • It’s funny how I can memorize all sorts of tunes and songs in my head and make it seem like I listen to stuff like that all the time when truthfully, I’ve only heard some of those songs once or twice.
  • I think it’s pretty cool how I can whip up something interesting in the kitchen and, more often than not, have it turn out to be something edible and other times, pretty incredible. (YEP! Chef in the making right here. I wish! Haha. 😀 )
  • I love how I get so wrapped up in a book I’m reading that I tune out everything and everyone else around me and live in my own Lala Land.
  • It takes very little to make me smile. I get a little pick-me up note from a friend and I’m set for the day.
  • I don’t claim to be any sort of professional dancer but I can bust a move given the chance.
  • To be blessed with an amazing group of friends means that I must be doing SOMETHING right with my life. So whatever that something is will be listed as the last one on this list. (If I figure out what that is, I’ll let you know! 😀 )

 

“No matter what age you are, or what your circumstances might be, you are special, and you still have something unique to offer. Your life, because of who you are, has meaning.”

– Barbara de Angelis

 

Thank you all for being so amazing and I hope you guys continue to keep me company for the next 28 days as I journey towards finding myself and sharing my life with all of you. CHEERS! 😀

 

Not good, No likey! (Day 1)

Day 1 of the 30 days of Truth blog project says I have to list some stuff I hate about myself. I’m not perfect (and I don’t plan on making that my life’s goal) and I know there are some things I need to work on, but actually saying that I HATE something about myself seems a tad harsh. Instead of listing something I hate, I’d rather list down some stuff I need to improve.

 

  •  STOP PROCRASTINATING

I don’t know what it is about me but I just love putting things off. It comes to a point where I get so harassed that I end up wanting to pull my own hair out or bang my head on a wall just to keep myself calm (if your wondering, that technique has yet to work its magic on me.) I get so frustrated with myself, so moody around other people and sometimes, I get downright unpleasant that even I don’t want to be around myself.I seriously need to work on this the most. Hence, this appears at THE TOP of my list.

 

  • GET INTO AN ACTUAL SPORT

I’ve tried a lot of sports in my day but I can’t seem to stick it out with any of them. My goal is to choose one (count it, ONE) and work towards being totally AWESOME at it.

 

  • STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK

I try not to, I really, REALLY do but sometimes I feel like reacting this way is unavoidable. I try to be self-confident (but I NEVER strut like a freakin peacock. That’s just tacky) but there are times when I just try to suck it up and mosey on. I don’t necessarily change myself because of what other people say but, to be perfectly honest, I do lug it around with me. It becomes something like a shadow for a little bit and it annoys the hell out of me.

 

So… That’s about it. My flaws laid out and plastered for the world to see. I’m not ashamed of it or anything but I can promise to try and remedy it as best as I can.

This may just be my shortest entry yet (slow clap please) and I’m really looking forward to the next 29 days! 🙂 I leave you with an interesting quote I found on-line approximately 5 mins ago.

 

“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”

– Stephen Fry, Moab is My Washpot

 

When your feeling low, lower than the floor… Have some Nutella!!! It makes everything better! CHEERS! 😀