What If

Word

I have gone through so many what if’s in my life that I figured, “It was time for a change.” So when love came knocking, I barely put up a fight. It was new; it was exciting, it was something I couldn’t wait to dive into. I wasn’t sure I was ready but sometimes, fate plays a hand and you have no choice but to follow through. I was whisked away into an experience I wasn’t entirely certain I was ready for but, looking back, I have to admit… I couldn’t wait for the ride to begin!

I never thought I would love so quickly nor did I ever imagine finding myself falling down an unexpected rabbit hole so fast. It was a whirlwind romance.  I was clueless and apparently, so was he. I wasn’t his first but, from the way he acted, it felt like I was. He stared at me with a nervous grin, twiddling his thumbs when he couldn’t fully grasp what I was trying to say. To me, that made it all the more endearing and so, I fell even further.

“It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. ”

-Agatha Christie

 

My instincts kept telling me to get out while I still could. To save myself from the inevitable heartache this relationship would cause. Still, I was stubborn. I kept trying to steer our direction towards a happily ever after when in my heart of hearts, I knew this particular chapter of my story was meant to end in disaster.

amazingly stupid

When the dust cleared and the remnants of what once was lay broken and forgotten; I was left wrestling with more questions than answers. If there was any form of love in what we had, then why did I feel so empty? Why was I left wondering?

I guess that’s the thing about googly eyes, sweaty palms and promises of forever; if things work out, you’re left on cloud nine with butterflies in your tummy and a dopey smile permanently plastered on your face. If fate decides to drag you the other way, the floor disappears and back down the rabbit hole you go, once again faced with the question you’ve tried desperately to run away from… WHAT IF…

“Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war, love… is growing up.”

-James Baldwin

 

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